Back in the early aughts, I spent a lot of time on the Straight Dope Message Board. One of the more pointed threads there started up about a week after the 9/11 attacks, when the more black-comedic of us tried to predict the headlines for the next issue of The Onion. We were all wrong, of course, but these were my contributions:
9/19/01 1:57 PM
Bush Declares War on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Stan Musial9/20/01 10:58 AM
"Who can keep them straight?" Asks Prez
Socialites Kept From Lavish Waterfront Condos For Eighth Straight Day
Unruly, impeccably-dressed crowd gathers outside Balducci's
Gambino, Castellano Families Rejoice
"Carting" business sees massive profits; law enforcement distracted
"That fuck bin Laden's the best thing that ever happened to us." Jokes John Gotti
Empire State Building Questioned
"I would never hurt Tradey," Says Empire, "They were like little brothers to me."
This Would Never Have Happened If I Were President
by Albert Gore
Shut Up, You Loser
by George W. Bush
India Demands "Dibs" on Pakistan9/21/01 11:50 AM
"Bush can nuke Kabul, but Islamabad is ours, man," Claims Prime Minister, "We've been ready for years to kick their asses."
China Massacres Tibetans, Dissidents, Intellectuals, Foreigners, Livestock
Leaders Call for "Renewed Cultural Revolution"
"Don't waste my time with pissant shit," Says Colin Powell.
Jesus Returns to Earth With Message of Peace for All Mankind, Back in Heaven by Lunchtime
"The time wasn't right," Explains Savior.
Hopes to Reschedule "Second Coming" in New Year
Pate Supplies in Lower Manhattan Dangerously Low
Trucking Delays Taking Huge Toll on Idle Rich
Prices for Helicopter Flights to Hamptons Soar
Brooklyn Reels in Horror
"We haven't been able to see Jersey for 30 years, man, and now it's right in our faces," Weeps One Man
Missing Terror Victims Unhurt; Were Miraculously Saved by Invisible Flying Saucers9/24/01 11:05 AM
Found Sipping Tea with Elvis, Judge Crater
Will Return to Earth with Honor Guard of Airborne Pigs
FEMA Enforces Strict "No Looting" Policy for Emergency Workers
Ill-Paid EMT Forced to Return Bond Trader's Bulging Wallet
Pentagon Staff Demands Equality of Mourning
"Hey, we were hit by a plane too," Says one anonymous source, "Just because our building was strong enough not to fall down doesn't mean we're worthless."
Rural Pennsylvania Had No Comment
Tajikistan Offers Self as Staging Ground for Attack
Told "Not to Hold Its Breath"
Eminem Claims Hate-Filled Song "Stan" Is Actually About Taliban; Should be Spelled " 'stan"
Scrawny Cretin Is Roundly Mocked
Wall Street Announces 50% Reduction in "Big, Swinging Dicks"
No Layoffs Needed; Reduction in Force Accomplished by Attrition, Fire
FBI Arrests Last Free Arab-AmericanI'd say that I'm going to hell for this stuff, but I expect it would have happened by now if it was going to. On the other hand. my heart trouble did hit less than six months later...
Yusuf al-Islam, Greengrocer, Surrenders Peacefully
"Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end." Says FBI Spokesman
Congress Passes Hate-Crime Rider
All Hate Crime Laws Now Say "Except for dirty towel-heads."
Hastert Hopes to Pass Murder Exception in Next Week
Bin Laden Lost In Mountains
Taliban Say They Can't Find Him, "Asked All His Neighbors"
Moved, Left No Forwarding Address
Artist Christo Claims Responsibility for Trade Center Attacks
Environmental Art to Wrap Lower Manhattan in Dust
Threatens Suit Over Destruction of Artwork
Man, 33, Killed at O'Hare Metal Detectors
Reportedly Joked, "I've only Got a Small Bomb, Is That OK?"
Hit Simultaneously by 37 Briefcases, 22 Handbags and 16 Shoes