Quote of the Week

"It seems as if I am always horny.

That's bad because the chances that I will ever get to express that horniness in the context of a fulfilling relationship with an actual other person have always seemed pretty slim. It's a thing you have to live with. In fact, before October 1 of this year, I had never even touched a girl in "that way." And even then -- but I'll explain all that soon enough.

In youth-oriented books, the guy like me often has a huge crush on a specific blonde cheerleader who doesn't know he exists and would never stop to talk to him. Or maybe she is kind of mean to him even though she's friends with him and asks him advice on how to get the football guy to make out with her, which drives him crazy and so forth. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely that guy. But there isn't any one particular girl that fits that formula, and the idea that someone like that would even be friendly with me in any sense, even as a device to dramatize my own pain and loneliness, is rather preposterous.

...Pretty much all the girls in school are cruel and unattainable, and the great majority are also beautiful and sexy and desirable in at least some way. None are at all interested in or available to me, and why would they be? When I dream of how it be if I were suddenly transformed into the kind of guy who does not repulse the females of our species, I don't necessarily think of any particular girl. Pick one; it doesn't matter....

...how about Krysten Blakeney? She's blonde and wears really short skirts. I don't know if she's actually a cheerleader, but she looks the part. Real foxy. Looks great poolside, chewing on an eraser, leaning over to buckle her shoe, riding a bike, eating a banana. Looks great paying a late fine at the library, taking out the recycling, buying a newspaper, playing with dogs, whatever. Nice rack. Sagittarius. Birthstone: yellow topaz.

I find myself thinking of how I'd like to express my horniness in the context of Krysten Blakeney fairly often. So does practically everybody who has ever seen her -- students, teachers, janitorial staff, etc.

In all the movies and books, the guy like me is totally in love with Krysten Blakeney and only Krysten Blakeney....

King Dork to wed Homecome Princess. News at eleven. It's a nice thought, and it turns up all the time in movies and books. The one minor problem is that it never happens. I don't mean rarely or hardly ever. I mean it has never even come within the ball park of even being slightly close to almost happening in the whole history of high school, since the beginning of time.

Not even once."
- Frank Portman, King Dork, pp.51-54

and, no, he doesn't get together with Krysten Blakeney. Oh, and that bit in the third paragraph? That's what I was talking about.