Sunday, April 12, 2009

Out-of-Context Things I Have Written

I'm going to claim the lack of a real post from me today is due to the Easter holiday, and not to my own laziness and lack of organization -- and can any of you prove me wrong? So I'm digging into the archives again, for something very miscellaneous and odd.

These snippets are all from the Straight Dope Message Board, and most were posts of their own, over a period of many years. The Management makes no claims as to their accuracy:
As a general rule, there is enough X in the world to make a cube Y feet on each side, or to form a stack as high as Z.
I don't really care which fairy tale I'm in, but I sure as hell want to make sure I'm the third brother!
Well, your woolly mammoth generally carries more firepower than the average giant squid -- at least a dozen shrapnel grenades and some sort of machine gun (depending on his regiment), as well as either a flame-thrower or a backpack-mounted missile launcher. Squid, on the other hand, are more likely to be equipped with non-projectile weapons (such as ceramic daggers and garrotes -- squid are much prized as assassins).

So, in a fair firefight, you've got to give the mammoth the edge. He's got more ammo and a better supply chain. But if the fight is in an urban setting, or the combatants don't start within line-of-sight, the squid's ninja training will allow him to cleanly kill the mammoth without much trouble.
Well, my pet tax is the Stamp Act. Such a cute iddle thing, and almost housebroken, too!
HEY!!Lesbian anal dildo bondage is every red-blooded American's god-given right!

(Is this the point where I should tell about the sex shop here in lovely midtown Manhattan that had neon signs on either side of the door -- presumably to cover the porn spectrum -- with inadvertently funny porn juxtapositions?

One was "Amateur European Bondage Magazines" ("Oh Lars, take me now!" "Wait, Helga, I have to turn to page 75 to see how to untie this knot!")

The other was "Oriental Lesbian Rubber Goods," which brought to my mind the world's smallest double-dong.
And I didn't go to high school in West Bumfuck, Wisconsin, but I do have a degree in TV repair from a mail order school headquartered there.
Posted 3/16/00:
OK, so how many of us didn't get assassinated in the Forum yesterday?

Me, for one.
So, if it's purely a matter of nomenclature, could, say, The State of New York change its official title to The Most High and Holy Royal Duchy of New York and Albany Plantations tomorrow?
Oh, I too fondly remember the 80s!

The ash from Vesuvius had settled, and the beaches in the south were gorgeous again. The lazy days in the just-finished Coliseum, watching lions devour Christians. The early days of Domitian, before the reign of terror..ah, those were the days! Rome was the only place to be in the 80s. I remember getting drunk on sweet Cretan wine at the opening of the Arch of Titus: was I ever so young!
Insert obligatory comment about plot here.

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