Twelve Days of Commerce # 17: A Full-Court Press for the Book-Killer

You're hip. You're au courant. You keep up to date with the most intensely modern currents in every aspect of your life. And it pains you -- physically -- to still be reading anything as old-school as ink on paper.

You want to spread the news of e-ink -- of spending hundreds of dollars for a gadget that almost but not quite replicates the experience already included (and priced into) a physical book. But the countdown has begun, and you don't think you can get your chosen gadget in time.

But wait! There's a Christmas miracle! Amazon is offering free two-day shipping on their Kindle book-murdering device.

So now you can convert your friends to the glory of being tied in perpetuity to a single retailer for all of your reading needs. C'mon, do it! Remember that Big Amazon loves you.

Twelve Days of Commerce #16: So You Missed the Cheap Shipping Deadline

We all know that, as a holiday shopper, you're both lazy and cheap -- you don't want to go to any effort, and you don't want to pay more than a pittance. So traveling to a jam-packed mall is out, and paying for express shipping is also out.

But how can you get those gifts that you really have to have, without any serious effort? Particularly since you've dawdled until this late, and lost out on all of the free shipping offers?

How about a gift card you can print out yourself? There's no shipping -- though it will use up some of your precious Strategic Ink Reserves -- and you can bask in the glory of being yet another shmoe who bare-facedly says to the recipient, "Here: you'll have to pick your own present this year. But I can make you shop at a particular retailer!"

Twelve Days of Commerce #15: Give the Gift of 1955

Amazon rummages through its drawers and shelves. Surely there must be something else it can present as a great gift? Auto parts or biology textbooks? Patio furniture or jock straps? The atmosphere is getting desperate.

Suddenly, Amazon leaps forward -- that's it! A fan of paper greets you: Marie Claire, The New Yorker, Kiplinger's, Seventeen. Surely, in this 21st century, this world of the Internet and smartphones, what your loved ones really want is....a magazine subscription.
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Listening to: Southeast Engine - We Have You Surrounded
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 14: Shop Distant, Consume Hydrocarbons

In this time of cheer and fellowship, it's only natural that we should be thinking about buying items manufactured vast distances away and shipped with the maximum amount of consumed hydrocarbons possible. But we definitely want to avoid paying for the flagrant use of carbon and other pollutants.

Amazon is here to help: today is the last day to take advantage of their free Super Saver shipping and still receive your planet-devouring goods by the 25th.

I particularly recommend the blood diamonds.
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Listening to: Emma Pollock - New Land
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 13: In Which We Resort to Stereotypes

Amazon, in the best mid-90s-stand-up-comedy standard, endeavors to make a joke about women and their shoes. Why do they have so many pairs, huh? And they're so expensive, too!

The audience sits, sipping overpriced and watered-down mixed drinks, stony-faced. Watches are glanced at openly. Blackberries and cheaper phones begin to light up the gloom.

Amazon's lower lip trembles, on the verge of an Imelda Marcos reference that will be no good for anyone.

Please help stamp out the horrors of bad comedy. Buy shoes online today.

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Listening to: The Deathray Davies - It's Hard To Run Uphill On Stilts
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 12: How Angry Is She?

Today's message is just for the men out there. No, let me be more specific: for the guys. Men have self-respect and savoir-faire, but guys are downtrodden schlemiels (if not outright schlimazels) beaten by life from pillar to post and then back again. They can do nothing right, and their Significant Others know, and count on, that.

You've done things wrong this year; you know it and I know it. But how bad were they? Are they nice-dinner-out bad? Big-bouquet-of-roses-at-work bad? Massive-shoe-shopping-spree bad?

Or has it gone beyond that? Do you need to reach way back into the Guys' Bag of Tricks and pull out the nuclear weapon of relationship repair, the diamond stud earrings?

You poor, dumb bastard you. You're ruining the curve for the rest of us, you know that?
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Listening to: Markéta Irglová - The Hill
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 11: One Shiny Penny

Look! Amazon is holding up a single, bright penny. See it sparkle in the light! How bright it is, and how small! The smallest denomination of American money -- it's practically worthless! And then Amazon murmurs low, "What would you say if I told you that you can buy a fancy smartphone for one little penny, like this one in my hand?"

Enthralled by the glimmer, you don't even notice the deadly Required Service Plan creeping up on you...until it's too late.
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Listening to: The Dollyrots - Kick Me To The Curb
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 10: De-Packaged

It is rumored that Jeff Bezos's hands are soft, tiny and milk-white, precisely like those of the Celestial Emperor's favorite concubine. There are whispers that he has never wielded an old, rusty boxcutter in frustration at a heat-welded slab of plastic. The old women proclaim that all ways and packages spring open at his merest touch.

For the rest of us, Amazon has assembled a selection of deals on toys in "Frustration-free" packaging. (Trust me on this: you can never eliminate frustration from the lives of your children, nor should you try to. But not getting gashed on the wrist from a clamshell case is nice, too.)
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Listening to: Say Hi - Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 9: The Death of Print

Yes, you too can contribute materially to the death of the printed word and the DRM-ification of everything! And all you have to do is decide to give a Kindle as a gift this year.

Remember, "Kindle" is a few letters away from "Kindling," which is what Amazon hopes you'll think of all your old books as once you buy their zippy Buck Rogers box. Tie your reading life down forever to one retailer! C'mon, it'll be fun!
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Listening to: White Rabbits - I Used To Complain Now I Don't
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 8: Small Appliances

Amazon, using its special patented cheery voice, would like to assert that kitchenware makes excellent holiday gifts, and so makes one of those stagey ta-dah gestures and points at an assortment of blenders, pots, and espresso makers.

The flop sweat is palpable. Please be kind.
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Listening to: Gliss - Kissing the Blvd
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 7: Boxed Sets

Since the finest present is one that sends the message "I vaguely remembered that you like to watch TV a whole lot," Amazon has a selection of special offers on various boxed sets of shiny video discs. Some are even as much as 60% off, so you can appear more than twice as generous as you actually are.
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Listening to: My Education - Bad Vibrations
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 6: Rays of Blu

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hornswoggler, I want one of them fancy Blu-Ray players, so I can see the explosions in Hancock real sharp and close-up. But the durn things are just so expensive!"

But I say, "Amazon has a great selection of cheapo players. Hell, they're all even from manufacturers you've heard of! And all of them under $200! Buy one for every room in your house! Buy one for the dog! Buy two for the dog!"

And then the men in white coats come and take me away to the special house, where I can wear the coat that lets me hug myself all the time. But I'm happy.
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Listening to: Bodies of Water - Everybody Hurts
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 5: Netbooks

Amazon is quite interested to let you know -- yes, you, personally; they were quite specific -- that they have a selection of netbooks loaded with Windows 7, the operating system that, according to all accounts, does not suck very much at all, in hopes that you will buy one or several, either for yourself or as stocking stuffers.

If you're enthralled enough by Windows 7, you might also be interested in a book by the man who led the team that developed it. Or maybe a squeaky duck. Or even a Weiand 7263 Chry 392 Hemi D/Q Hi.

(Hey, I don't know what you want. I'm just trying to help here.)
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Listening to: The Pharmacy - Little Toys On A Shelf
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 4: Demand Your Videos

Now, I'm old and crotchety enough that "video on demand" makes me immediately think "I want my MTV!" and then start ranting about how, when I was young, they actually played videos, before wandering off on a tangent about how I wouldn't listen to anything MTV plays today -- if they played any videos, which of course they don't -- on a dare, and eventually frothing at the mouth and falling over while yelling at those kids cutting across my lawn.

Eventually, if you were polite and determined enough -- though I can't possibly imagine why you would want to be -- you might manage to explain to me that "video on demand" means asking for some particular TV show or movie or other shard of pseudo-entertainment, getting it in downloadable form, and paying through the nose for the privilege of not having to get off one's arse (which one should really think about doing slightly more regularly -- really, I'm only saying this as one's friend) and go actually get a physical medium containing said video.

If you think "video on demand" is a good idea, then you just might be the sucker individual that Amazon is looking for. They've got a selection of zippy (and pricey) Panasonic televisual boxes and players of bluish rays that should be right up your alley, and they've authorized me to offer you a $30 credit for their Video On Demand service with purchase of said devices, which absolutely has not been bundled into their prices. (No sir!)

Why? Well, I told them about your lovely blue eyes, and they were touched. Really. So go buy an expensive flatscreen, won't you?
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Listening to: Dragonette - Jesus Doesn't Love Me
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 3: Intangible Gifts

I've always said that there's nothing better for gift-giving than a gift card -- which requires you to deal with that one retailer, and be tied down by all of their petty rules -- for something intangible and personal like MP3s. Really, I do say that. I'm not just being sarcastic. (OK, maybe I am.)

Anyway, Amazon agrees with me to the extent of creating a whoppingly huge banner to promote the concept. Wasn't that nice of them?

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Listening to: Creature - Brigitte Bardot
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 2: Musical Earworms

Amazon would like you to know that there is no escaping intrusive and overly-cheerful holiday-themed music this season. So don't bother to try. Love the Computer!
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Listening to: The Pogues - Fairytale of New York
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Days of Commerce # 1: Downloadable Games

Well, my posting pattern still seems anemic, and Amazon is sending me e-mails about all the swell stuff they wish I'd tell people about, and we're all supposed to spend a lot of money to help the economy this year, so....

I'm going to post one banner or other way-too-obvious shilling device a day until I hit #12, collapse in shame, or run out of things to link to. My hope is that I can make the blatant pimping at least briefly entertaining.

Today, to start off with, have this lovely banner about downloadable games. According to the ad -- and we all know that ads never lie, don't we? -- you can try all of these games for free, which is as good a way to waste time as any others on the Internet. And, if you happen to see something you like, and buy it, your friendly neighborhood Hornswoggler will get a small piece of the action.

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Listening to: Gram Rabbit - American Hookers
via FoxyTunes