Monday, September 20, 2010

Please, Sir, Buy Some Popcorn From a Poor Orphan Boy

Well, not an orphan boy -- it's my younger son, generally called Thing 2 here -- but he is selling popcorn, and it would be swell if any popcorn-lovers among you would buy some from him.

I may need to back up slightly to explain.

You see, in the world of fundraisers for youth organizations, there was once the great Treaty of Snack Foods. The Girl Scouts (and their associated Brownie gurkhas) claimed all of the territories of Cookie, and the Boys, magnanimously, agreed to limit their operations to the delightful land of Popcorn. [1] From that point forward, each organization -- assured of a consistent flow of funding to support camping, hiking and similar character-building activities -- was able to remain at peace with its great sibling, working separately but in tandem to provide unhealthy, but exceptionally tasty, munchables to their local communities.

And so, once a year, the forces of male Scoutdom -- both Boy and Cub -- set forth into their neighborhoods, wearing their crispest uniform shirts, and blink their doe-like eyes at any adults they encounter, asking, imploringly, "Would you like to buy some popcorn to support Cub Scouts?"

It is that time once again; Thing 2 has already been on two customer-hunting expeditions, and I have at my side a supplementary order form to post at my place of work. But this is the 21st century! Everything is -- as it must be -- online. And so Scouts can cajole popcorn orders from people far away from themselves, through the power of...a website!

If you are so benighted as to have no Cub Scouts near you -- or so popcorn-crazed that your local provider can't fill your needs -- and you're willing to pay the frankly quite high prices for these goods [2], then, please, click on this link, and help my son achieve his dream: winning a marshmallow-shooting crossbow for his very own.

Again, just click here, and type in the secret cub-scout number 7894409 on the upper right, where it says "You are supporting no one." -- because aren't you ashamed of yourself, supporting no one like that? -- and help a boy achieve his dream of high-powered soft ordinance.

Remember, you must enter that secret cub-scout number -- 7894409 -- or you will be supporting some other child (whom I'm sure is quite nice, but not nearly as deserving as my son), or, even worse, supporting no one.

And, really, is that what you want to be known for in life: supporting no one? Surely not?

[1] The Sea Scouts occasionally claim dominion over potato-based snack foods, but this is disputed; the Boys have traditionally claimed all of the salty treats as their own.

[2] This is fundraising popcorn; the point is to contribute money to a good cause, not to maximize your caloric intake for the lowest cost.

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