Who I Am Not

Once again, it's time to clear up the rumors surrounding my recent activities. I have done many things -- some of which I will never admit to, and even more of which I'll never mention here -- but it is not true that:

• My teenage daughter is the European drag-racing champion.
• I live next to the woman in Portland, Oregon who splashed acid on herself, then lied about it.
• I faked my way into Harvard.
• I waited a long time for an explanation of my back pain.
• I am a promising Southland basketballer sentenced to seven months home detention following an assault conviction.
• I controversially claimed in a recent interview that "there are no SEO secrets."
• I have been insisting that the Australian government is vastly overestimating the volume of rebates that investment advisers are receiving.
• I went 4-26 whilst skittling out Skipton for 88. [1]
• I bicycled the length of England to raise money for charity.
• I did something possibly sport-related in Argentina.
• I demonstrated the new nanoshield technology on fishing reels.
• I died after a farm accident.
• I announced my company's entry into the water-cooled blown film machinery market.

I deeply apologize for any confusion.

[1] I think this has something to do with cricket. If not, please don't ruin my lovely ignorance.