Fake Onion Headlines Post-9/11

I haven't managed to get a real post out today, and I'm hip-deep in writing a review for ComicMix, so I don't think I will get one done, either. So I'll dip into the archives -- I had intended to post this on or soon after the 11th this year, but either forgot or chickened out thought better of it.

Back in the early aughts, I spent a lot of time on the Straight Dope Message Board. One of the more pointed threads there started up about a week after the 9/11 attacks, when the more black-comedic of us tried to predict the headlines for the next issue of The Onion. We were all wrong, of course, but these were my contributions:

9/19/01 1:57 PM

Bush Declares War on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Stan Musial
"Who can keep them straight?" Asks Prez

Socialites Kept From Lavish Waterfront Condos For Eighth Straight Day
Unruly, impeccably-dressed crowd gathers outside Balducci's

Gambino, Castellano Families Rejoice
"Carting" business sees massive profits; law enforcement distracted
"That fuck bin Laden's the best thing that ever happened to us." Jokes John Gotti

Empire State Building Questioned
"I would never hurt Tradey," Says Empire, "They were like little brothers to me."

Point/Counterpoint:
This Would Never Have Happened If I Were President
by Albert Gore

Shut Up, You Loser
by George W. Bush

9/20/01 10:58 AM

India Demands "Dibs" on Pakistan
"Bush can nuke Kabul, but Islamabad is ours, man," Claims Prime Minister, "We've been ready for years to kick their asses."

China Massacres Tibetans, Dissidents, Intellectuals, Foreigners, Livestock
Leaders Call for "Renewed Cultural Revolution"
"Don't waste my time with pissant shit," Says Colin Powell.

Jesus Returns to Earth With Message of Peace for All Mankind, Back in Heaven by Lunchtime
"The time wasn't right," Explains Savior.
Hopes to Reschedule "Second Coming" in New Year

Pate Supplies in Lower Manhattan Dangerously Low
Trucking Delays Taking Huge Toll on Idle Rich
Prices for Helicopter Flights to Hamptons Soar

Brooklyn Reels in Horror
"We haven't been able to see Jersey for 30 years, man, and now it's right in our faces," Weeps One Man

9/21/01 11:50 AM

Missing Terror Victims Unhurt; Were Miraculously Saved by Invisible Flying Saucers
Found Sipping Tea with Elvis, Judge Crater
Will Return to Earth with Honor Guard of Airborne Pigs

FEMA Enforces Strict "No Looting" Policy for Emergency Workers
Ill-Paid EMT Forced to Return Bond Trader's Bulging Wallet

Pentagon Staff Demands Equality of Mourning
"Hey, we were hit by a plane too," Says one anonymous source, "Just because our building was strong enough not to fall down doesn't mean we're worthless."
Rural Pennsylvania Had No Comment

Tajikistan Offers Self as Staging Ground for Attack
Told "Not to Hold Its Breath"

Eminem Claims Hate-Filled Song "Stan" Is Actually About Taliban; Should be Spelled " 'stan"
Scrawny Cretin Is Roundly Mocked

Wall Street Announces 50% Reduction in "Big, Swinging Dicks"
No Layoffs Needed; Reduction in Force Accomplished by Attrition, Fire

9/24/01 11:05 AM

FBI Arrests Last Free Arab-American
Yusuf al-Islam, Greengrocer, Surrenders Peacefully
"Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end." Says FBI Spokesman

Congress Passes Hate-Crime Rider
All Hate Crime Laws Now Say "Except for dirty towel-heads."
Hastert Hopes to Pass Murder Exception in Next Week

Bin Laden Lost In Mountains
Taliban Say They Can't Find Him, "Asked All His Neighbors"
Moved, Left No Forwarding Address

Artist Christo Claims Responsibility for Trade Center Attacks
Environmental Art to Wrap Lower Manhattan in Dust
Threatens Suit Over Destruction of Artwork

Man, 33, Killed at O'Hare Metal Detectors
Reportedly Joked, "I've only Got a Small Bomb, Is That OK?"
Hit Simultaneously by 37 Briefcases, 22 Handbags and 16 Shoes

I'd say that I'm going to hell for this stuff, but I expect it would have happened by now if it was going to. On the other hand. my heart trouble did hit less than six months later...