Sunday, November 08, 2009

It's Got a Great Beat, But I Don't Think You Can Strip To It

Right at this moment, I'm still at Disney World, and the last thing on my mind is blogging. Luckily, I have emergency posts stored up in the attic for just such situations as this.

The Internet, as always, feeds on spare time and produces odd thoughts. This was true even back in 2004, when a thread on the Straight Dope Message Board was started about the most inappropriate songs to strip to. I got to it more than a hundred posts later, with many of the best ideas taken, so I went in a more conceptual direction:

Since practically every song that has been mentioned as completely unsuitable seems to have been used by some stripper, I thought I'd create some unsuitable and bizarre scenarios. I wouldn't be surprised if any of these have happened, but I haven't witnessed any of them (though some would be fun...and others would be appalling).

Nick Cave's The Mercy Seat, either as a lap dance or (for bonus points) on stage, with the dancer using a chair as a prop.

Fishbone's Lyin' Ass Bitch, probably dedicated to some other dancer in the establishment. (Leading to a cat-fight, I expect.)

Hell, as long as we're doing Fishbone, I'd love to see someone try to shake it to It's a Wonderful Life (Gonna Have a Good Time). The lyrics are pretty inappropriate, and it has a tempo like a frog on a hotplate.

Aimee Mann has probably never done a song that's danceable, but I'd vote Wise Up as her least stripper-friendly tune. Even for a slow floor number, it's way too quiet and slow. Maybe it could work for Mindy, the Clinically Depressed Ecdysiast.

And how about a two-girl act, coming out in a pantomime horse costume, to America's Horse With No Name?

Bob Dylan's as bad for stripping to as Neil Young, but how about Subterranean Homesick Blues, as performed by a woman in bell-bottoms, dashiki and granny glasses? (not for long, of course)

I'm surprised no one has mentioned The Boomtown Rats' I Don't Like Mondays yet -- it's very depressing, probably undanceable, and is about a young woman deciding to kill a whole lot of people...

I could see a stripper using some of Bruce Springsteen's songs -- I'm Goin' Down is pretty obvious -- but how about doing Johnny 99 in a fake prison outfit?

Pink Floyd's early long space-rock songs could be good for some of the more theatrical strippers (the kind with lots of dry ice, occasional live animals, and more props than you can shimmy a hip at). But I still think One of These Days would be a mood-killer.

In the category of You Could Dance To It, But You Wouldn't Want To, I give you In The Coliseum by Tom Waits. The opening lines are "The women all control the men/With razors and with wrists..."

And, finally, They Might Be Giants have been mentioned, but I would love to see a good act built around their live version of Why Does The Sun Shine? (The Sun Is A Mass of Incandescent Gas).

No comments:

Post a Comment