More From Amazon

You know, if I were smart, I'd space these things out so they wouldn't look so cheap and tawdry. But I guess I'm not smart, 'cause here comes another pitch.

It's a new year, so Amazon thinks you need to change everything about yourself. They are willing to help out: they'll sell you stuff to make you better -- or, at least, different.

Amazon thinks you are:

• fat
• fiscally imprudent
• damaging to the ecosphere
• a dirty addict
• desperately out of shape (on top of being fat)
• frenzied
• trapped in a dead-end job
• possessed of old, laughable technology
• horribly disorganized
• and in need of some hobbies to assuage the desperate longings of your miserable life.

If this describes you, click the link.