Movie Log: Pineapple Express

I'd gotten desperately behind in my "Movie Log" posts, which is silly because they're not what anyone comes to this blog for in the first place. But I like doing them, so I wanted to keep them up. So I've been trying to write and post one a day this week, until I get caught up. Today, if I kept going forward, would be The Dark Knight, a slightly popular piece of cinema from mid-2008.

But I was also going to watch a movie tonight, so I figured: why not just liveblog it, and catch up that way? And so I will -- I'm watching the unrated version of Pineapple Express. (How come every comedy these days comes out on video in an "unrated" version immediately, and not the one we saw in the theaters? Are the movie companies really that annoyed with the MPAA? They are the MPAA....)

Anyway, here we go:

First are the previews -- Mall Cop (I'm sure every funny moment is in the trailer) and The Wackness (look! more drug comedy!).

Oh, now I get the version choice...and I'll take Theatrical, please. (Guess that answers my question above -- they just do both.)

We open in classy black and white, since it's 1937. (At this point, all of the stoners wonder if they wandered into the wrong theater.) And...it's a Reefer Madness reference!

And the self-indulgence is pretty high, with a long credits sequence of Seth Rogen driving his '70s car and serving subpoenas. (And then meeting his highschool girlfriend...at school.)

And then we get the obligatory stoner buddy -- thought he was the roommate briefly, but he seems to be the connection instead. My, stoner meandering are dull and tedious when you're not stoned. Blah blah blah -- a long stoner scene that doesn't go anywhere. And...the people stoner buddy buzzes up are not the ones that get the plot moving. We're at 20:00, and the plot is still AWOL.

And then Rogen -- I don't think we've heard his character's name yet, but I haven't been paying a lot of attention -- witnesses a murder, by a guy who might be Bruce Dern but probably isn't, and Rosie Perez as a cop. Wow, action!

And then he runs right over to talk to stoner buddy! So we've got more stoner comedy, this time with added hysteria. We do learn stoner buddy's name is Saul, though.

And then we get another stoner scene, with the two thugs sent to kill Rogen and stoner buddy lightly trashing the apartment and then smoking. But then the plot really gets going -- druglord Ted was the murderer, and he's two levels up from stoner buddy, so his thugs are right on their trail.

And...then we get a long scene of stoner humor in the dark woods. And some goofing around in the woods, too, until our guys get a ride back to the plot. We finally learn that Rogen is Dale Denton, about thirty minutes after we last cared.

And the plot is a long scene of stoner talking around the subject, and then a supposedly funny fight scene in which Saul's connection gets beaten up and his house is trashed. And then the thugs come back.

Ah! Ted is the boss from Office Space, whoever that is. And Rogen's girlfriend's father is Ed Begley, Jr. Too bad for Ed, getting a minor role as the dad in a stoner comedy. And Rogen arrives for the big dinner at the girlfriend's house. More violent humor, the thugs arrive...and things peter out pointlessly.

Oh, look a car chase. A wacky car chase.

Ted's a pretty low-rent drug lord if his big bought-and-paid-for cop is a beat officer, isn't he?

The boys have a fight and separate, in another reggae montage. (I avoided mentioning the first two reggae montages, because they're really not that interesting.)

The plot stops and starts for long stretches -- the rival Asian gang declared war on Red at least twenty minutes ago, and the girlfriend's parents had their one scene and then disappeared.

Saul gets kidnapped by the thugs, and Dale decides to go save him. And Red -- who we thought we saw killed three reels ago -- helps and arms him. They both head out to Ted's farm -- the secret government lab from the pre-credit sequence. Dale gets captured, too. And they're stuck in a cell together, so they can make up their differences and be friends again.

This movie is utterly not worth the time I'm spending typing this. I hope no one's reading at this point.

The boys get themselves free just as the Asians attack...badly. (They dive in, and then shoot, though there are enough of them to each take out one of Ted's men simultaneously if they'd bothered to plan.) In the big gun battle, as usual, characters who have spoken don't get shot.

And there's a big fistfight between Dale and Ted. The Asians are all really lousy shots -- they seem to be almost entirely dead, even though they had superior firepower and surprise on their side. Oh, and Saul fights with the girl cop. Fighting fighting fighting. And then a big firebomb.

Oh no! Are Dale and Saul dead like everyone else? No! And neither is Red!

Why do we get yet another stoners-talking scene after the movie should be over?!

OK, now it's over. It's not as bad as I made it sound, but it is over-long and not all that much fun to watch alone and sober.